victory_road | Video Post

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[Is that a ridiculously fat little Houndour in a gold party hat? Yes. Yes it is. Doom Boner looks thrilled. He's sitting in a plush looking yellow chair with a rocket ship chew toy between his paws. As usual, Jack himself isn't in the shot.]

How's everybody doing today? Handsome Jack here!

I sure hope everybody's doing great. Why? Because according to a little alert on my ECHOgear here, today's a very important day. In fact, it's the anniversary of one of the greatest things to ever happen. And you all get to be a part of it.

It's my birthday!

[And he really does sound pleased about this. Why wouldn't he be? Usually, on his birthday, he's lavished with attention and expensive gifts and all the pomp and adoration he deserves. Why should now be any different?]

I like classy booze, fine cigars, hot chicks in hats...all the good stuff.

And before anyone asks, no, vanilla is not an acceptable cake flavor.

It's vanilla.

Vanilla sucks.

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_{[Vanilla is a word that Wrath has only heard in connection to one thing: pudding cups.]

[And being the open-minded kid that he is, Jack's judgmental statement has Wrath frowning at the screen.]}

What's wrong with vanilla?

I don't like it. Not enough flavor to it.

Something I'd assumed small children agreed with, but apparently not.

[How old is this kid? Should it be allowed on the net unsupervised? Not that Jack cares, he's just continually amazed at how nobody seems to give a shit about kids being safe around here.]

_{[SHOULD he be allowed on the net unsupervised? HONESTLY, PROBABLY NOT. It already technically got him kidnapped once.]

[He looks slightly offended.]}

There's plenty of flavor! Sweet is a flavor.

Vanilla pudding cups are some of the best.

It has a flavor, kid. Not enough of one for me. This isn't an abstract concept, here. I don't like vanilla.

It's the cucumber of desserts.

Didn't your folks teach you not to bother strangers?

No, mostly they just taught me not to bother them.

_{[And we all see how well THAT'S working out.]}

What's a cucumber?

I really shouldn't be surprised. Every friggin' kid I meet. Either no parents, or parents that didn't bother to raise'em.

Wow. Your parents...they just didn't even try, did they? A cucumber's a vegetable. It tastes like nothing. What's the point?

Well, if a cucumber is a vegetable and doesn't taste like anything, it's nothing like vanilla pudding cups.

_{[YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.]}

And I actually don't have any parents.

I'm an abomination from hell.

_{[He says this matter-of-factly and with a bouncy little shrug, as if he was saying something like "Actually, I'm allergic to seafood." or "Actually, I live with my aunt."]}

[Well, today he's already taught a skeleton about sex parties, why not some random kid analogies?]

Okay. So most vegetables have a strong taste. A cucumber doesn't. Most desserts have a strong taste. Vanilla doesn't. So vanilla pudding cups are to dessert as cucumbers are to vegetables. It's a comparative device, kid. Open a friggin' book.

[It's already been a long day. Jack doesn't feel like playing 'what does this kid really mean or is he being literal?'. Doesn't matter.]

....oh yeah? Well, in that case I guess you're doing pretty good!

_{[Jack, you just had to explain comparative devices to this child who took your cucumber thing completely literally. What do you think he means.]

[Fortunately, Wrath does not seem particularly offended.]}

Thank you. I try my best.

We can agree to disagree about vanilla pudding cups.

Nope. No, we can't.

I'm gonna get you way better pudding. No kid should be defending vanilla this much. That is an abomination.

... I think you're exaggerating.

_{[Who hurt this man with vanilla pudding?]}

And I think you've been grievously denied the full flavor experience.

I've tried every flavor in the vending machine! Vanilla's just one of them.

Okay, see, that's a whole 'nother problem right there. Food out of a vending machine is barely food. It's a sad imitation of what food should be.

Why is there no school here, where you can learn important stuff like this? Even Pandora's got schools.

... I think it tastes fine!

And school is for humans.

Clearly ya do! Not gonna argue that point. I'm just saying...kid, there's a lot of options in the world. Don't limit yourself. Don't settle. Even when it comes to snacks.

School's for every human-child-shaped thing with a brain that can learn. Which this planet's full of. Even bandits send their kids to school. I mean, it's probably bandit school, so I bet they learn like...Face Carving For Beginners and stuff, but still.

I never settle, I try everything.

And, I already know how to carve faces.

I am very talented.

Clearly.

Aren't you a little young to be cutting peoples' faces off? I mean you're what...ten?

_{[Wrath's face blanks at that. He may know how to carve faces, but he's still not great at numbers.]}

Um...

I think I might be three.

_{[Well, unless you count the years spent inside the Gate. Then Jack's estimate is pretty accurate.]}

...yeah, you really need school.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Face carving's a great skill, never know when it'll come in handy. But I'm guessing 'math' is a strange and exotic word to you...

... Math is with numbers, right?

I'm not so good at those.

_{[NO, REALLY?]}

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