victory_road | 1st Stack of Anarchy [Video]

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1st Stack of Anarchy [Video]

[As the video feed clicks on it's a familiar background for anyone who's been on Route 29. The girl who appears grinning into the feed is a red haired teen with goggles firmly in place and just a touch of madness in those bright green eyes.]

Helloooo there humans and monsters and all in between!

It is I, Gaige the MIGHTY MECHROMANCER! And I am now en route for...wherever isn't New Barf Town.

[She casts a glance over her shoulder as if to make sure she's not being followed.]

Seriously if they didn't want me to go through their trash and mailboxes and stuff they shouldn't have left stuff in them! It's just common knowledge isn't it? I mean you can't just drop a girl into a new world without any weapons and expect her not to try and improvise!

[Which in her case meant trying and failing to loot New Bark Town for guns. Guns they obviously did not have.]

Anyway sooooo let's get to know each other. As I said I am a Mechromancer which is a godlike combination of scientific genius and badass warrior woman.

[Here her voice turns back to irritated and a little whiny]

And since WHATEVER brought me here decided to separate me from two of my greatest inventions...feh...whatever. I'll just have to start from scratch again.

[Back to cheerful.]

My favorite things are robots, cupcakes, and bringing down corruption through ANARCHY!!!

Who all's out there? You got work for me? A mission? A quest? I'm your girl!

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You just don't get it! You're the criminal. I'm the charismatic and fun-loving self made man. And I throw super bitchin' parties! Ask around. Go ahead.

Yeah...not buying it.

You're the same guy who ruined more lives then I could count, including your own daughter's.

You couldn't win a popularity contest without cheating if the only other person running was Claptrap!

Uh, my daughter's got a pretty good life, thanks, you don't know what you're talking about. In fact, we just had a really fun weekend together! Not that you should be talking about Angel at all, considering what you did. Not that it stuck, and believe you me, you better be damned thankful for that.

Whatever you say, cupcake.

....oh my god.

You've gone insane.

I mean like...you a psycho before but you really have lost your mind now haven't you?

[This is somewhere between funny and infuriating. She's not sure there's a word for this emotion.]

Nope. Hell, I'm way saner than you are!

1: That's a low bar.

And 2: Even if she did come back, why would Angel want ANYTHING to do with you after everything you did? After everything she did to stop you?

Are you sure your face isn't on too tight? Cutting off the blood flow to that twisted evil brain of yours?

You watch your mouth. Angel's here, she's fine, and whatever the hell is between us, it's between us. We're working shit out. Again, you don't actually know anything.

I know just how far she was willing to go to get away from you.

And I know that no matter what lies you put out there, and how much you weasel and sneak around? You're no hero.

You're just a dead jackass who didn't deserve a second chance.

[DAMN that sounded so cool in her head! Why was there no one else around to appreciate this with her? Or to be as irritated by it as she was? She felt the desperate need to either be high fived, or to shoot something and she can do neither of these things right now.]

Blah blah blah, usual Vault Hunter bullshit. You think I'm bothered by you? You're nothing! You can't do anything to me except yell and stomp and be pissy. And if you try anything else....

It's not gonna go good for you. That's not like a personal threat or anything, that's just how civilized and people societies work. Not that you'd know anything about that....

And again. Not dead. My sex life is way too active for a corpse's.

[Anything else she might have said, anything cool or tough or funny has been utterly ruined by that last part.]

DisGUSTing! Oh barf!

[Gagging noises.]

Don't ever talk about that again old man! No one wants to hear about that!

Oh sure, that's why my sex tapes back home are like the most downloaded things on the ECHOnet.

And my hot boyfriend sure likes hearing about it! I mean...more than hearing about it, cause...obviously...

[More retching noises.]

You can't do that! You can't just...ugh!!! How could anyone look at you and think "Yeah? I'd like to put my dick in that!"

It'd be like boning a wax doll with a bad wig!

[Jack has now ruined cupcakes and sex for her. This is the worst day.]

Are you...are you serious? Do you have any idea how many people wanna do me? Like super badly? I'm hot, I've got a friggin amazing body, I'm rich and powerful and charismatic.... Hell, I can't even count how many people I've gotten busy with here! I mean, I could if I wanted to, but who's got time?

And for the record, I'm usually the one putting things in stuff.

I just....how?!

...oh...oh wait a minute...now I get it.

This place is all about making monsters fight each other.

And the only person you really liked who liked you back was a dog murderer.

OK...alright now I get it. It's grosser then gross but...I can process this.

[She's clearly in fight 4 her life mode. Someone save her.]

Wow, see, this is what I mean about you don't really know what you're talking about! Way, way more people than my latest wife like me. You know nothing of my everyday life.

Plus, nobody's making Pokemon fight. It's what they naturally do. Most of'em, anyway. I got a couple that don't. And it isn't even real fighting, it's not like they get actually hurt or anything.

I'm just sayin' we already know your taste is garbage. Stands to reason there have to be other people with garbage taste. Even in a place as peaceful and friendly looking as this.

[ As for the not getting hurt thing, it took a minute but a girl like Gaige can connect the dots and follow video game rules with the best of them.]

You may have gotten a head start on me, but you blew it in Pandora and you're gonna blow it here.

Because you're still you Jackass. And I'm still awesome.

Excuse you? My taste is awesome! In like...everything. Including bang buddies. Hell, the last chick I hooked up with here was some.... I dunno, champion of justice or some crap. Smoking hot. And boy was she in shape...

Blow what? You gonna launch an attack force to take down my greeting card and small home decor business?

Painting everything a cheap color of gold does not count as taste.

And there were your ugly statues, stupid paintings, the cowgirl from hell...

[Wait greeting what?]

OK now you're messing with me. You went from corporate overlord to home decor?

It's actually called 'lemon chiffon'. And it's classy as shit.

My awesome statues, my beautiful paintings, and you better stop talking shit about my wife. Me and Nisha got married like half a year ago while she was here.

Uh, still a corporate overlord. Just a different product. I'm a businessman, I adjusted to the market. People don't want weapons or defense items or any of that stuff, they want cute shit based on Pokemon. I give it to'em. And they give me tons of money. Look at our logo mascot, who could resist this stupid fat face?

[The gear screen turns to show Jack's fat, flop eared houndour puppy, Doom Boner's tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.]

....ok you've got me there. He's super damn cute.

So all this time, all anyone had to do was get you to park your stupid H over a planet that didn't want to fight, and you wouldn't have been the torturing, murdering sleezeball that tried to blow me up and leave me for dead the minute I got to Pandora?

He's useless as shit for battling, but he makes me money other ways.

I'm a guy who just wants to make the galaxy a safe, clean place. This planet's already safe and clean. Nobody's murdering each other in the street for their stuff or snacking on tourists. I only use violence as an appropriate response.

And it's absolutely an appropriate response to you.

Yeah? How'd that work out for you last time you decided that was how to handle me huh?

I came back, and I WRECKED YOUR SHIT! All of it. Your armies, your monsters, your facist bourgeois city. AND your warrior.

[With a little help from her friends]

Please continue loudly confessing to all that, I've already told people how you just didn't leave me alone.

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1st Stack of Anarchy [Video]

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