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[Is that a ridiculously fat little Houndour in a gold party hat? Yes. Yes it is. Doom Boner looks thrilled. He's sitting in a plush looking yellow chair with a rocket ship chew toy between his paws. As usual, Jack himself isn't in the shot.]

How's everybody doing today? Handsome Jack here!

I sure hope everybody's doing great. Why? Because according to a little alert on my ECHOgear here, today's a very important day. In fact, it's the anniversary of one of the greatest things to ever happen. And you all get to be a part of it.

It's my birthday!

[And he really does sound pleased about this. Why wouldn't he be? Usually, on his birthday, he's lavished with attention and expensive gifts and all the pomp and adoration he deserves. Why should now be any different?]

I like classy booze, fine cigars, hot chicks in hats...all the good stuff.

And before anyone asks, no, vanilla is not an acceptable cake flavor.

It's vanilla.

Vanilla sucks.

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Target is a department store. [Hey, he's honest, he can't help it. Unless it's something important, then he lies through his teeth.]

I mean, if you want to give me a job then sure, I'll take it. Maybe I can write clever lines for your greeting cards. I dunno. Money is always nice where ever you are.

[And...with a dog named doom boner, he would never have guessed you were a very successful business owner, Jack. Never.] Uh, my name's Hanna by the way. And hopefully we can upgrade your opinion of me as more than just, yanno. Two brain celled lacky. I'm smarter than that, I just can't prove it. I was never a good test taker.

We'd be in real business if I still had my magic, but. no use dwelling on it.

...Hanna? Seriously? Are you a milkmaid?

[There ought to be laws about naming your kids.]

Why is a department store called 'Target'? Actually, I don't care. It doesn't matter. You aren't even from my galaxy.

Yeah, no special abilities work here. Sucks. You got some? That's cool, that's cool. [Jack's casual tone masks a sudden spike in interest.] How about you give me some examples of your clever line writing skills, and we'll see what we can do.

I always like helping out where I can.

No, I'm a dude with a name that his mom loved, so there. There's nothing wrong with my name. [Just wait till he gets to his middle name. His parents were weird.]

Anyways, yeah...though it was nice that they fixed me up a little in return for them. But Hmm... Give me a minute to think and maybe I can come up with one.

[A fat dog in a hat.] I'm not fat, I'm just a little husky.

Or...Don't Terrier yourself up about getting older, think pawsitively.

[These aren't gems Hanna. Really, they're not.]

[Congratulations, Hanna, Jack's invested enough in this conversation to actually make an appearance personally. The 'gear screen turns after the feed switches to private, so they can actually talk.]

[He'll come back to that 'fixed me up' comment later.]

Those are terrible, kiddo! The husky one doesn't even make any sense, does he look like a husky?

That other one though...that's exactly the kind of stupid crap the target demographic probably loses its shit for.

And you came up with'em quick.

Give me one for...two Meowth hugging.

[That's cute, right? Crap, where's his teenage girl right hand man when he actually needs her...]

[For a moment, Athena bristles, about ready to snap because wow does that hit way too close to home. Arguments late at night saying you don't need to be out there so much anymore, we can make due now!, sniping over ECHO calls because a job is taking too long and they're getting suspicious, feeling angry because this is one person you don't want to be angry at, nights spent out in the wild slaughtering anything with a pulse because the person you're the absolute closest to can't fully understand why you do what you do...

The look of frustration mixed with anger is pretty obvious on her face, even as she says nothing, but she forces it back with one long, deep breath, until her face is back to it's usual, neutral expression.]

If that's how her life's always been, how can you expect her to be content with living up on a space station that isn't infested with Dahl soldiers? It's like grabbing a skag right out of the wild and expecting it to be an obedient pet within a few days.

Trying to take her away from a life like that, a life that she managed to survive through long before you met her, might as well be the same as telling her I don't trust you to take care of yourself.

[have fun getting him to bring it up again. That's one of his don't ask, don't tell subjects. Also hey there dude! He doesn't know how to do private filters yet, but have a silly looking ginger with dorky glasses. Exactly what you expected, right?]

It was a dog pun, it...it made sense. [If you squint really hard.]

Um, cat puns...You've got to be kitten me if you think I'd forget your birthday.

Or...Meow I've got you right where I want you. [They just get worse as he goes on.]

....Here's a thought, Athena. How about you don't make wild assumptions about me and Nisha's relationship?

[Why the hell was she so pissed off about this? He saw that look.]

I never asked her to stop being the Sheriff of Lynchwood. I never asked her to give it all up, live some quiet comfy life or some shit like that. I just asked her to scale it back some, because she had more to live for now and she was probably gonna get herself killed if she didn't make a little compromise.

[His voice goes flat.]

And hey. Look at that.

I was right.

No, I got it, I'm just saying it only works if the dog on the card is actually a husky dog. Boner's a Houndour.

Shit, these are awful. [Not that Handsome Jack can be trusted on what's good and what's not, the man owns a unicorn he named Butt Stallion and makes up half the words he uses in product descriptions. 'Synergization' and 'versanamic' were not words in any language.]

We're gonna make a ton of money. I'll take some pictures tomorrow. I got another 'cute' Pokemon, this little goat thing. Teenage girls think she's cute.

[And use his Rocket access to avoid printing or material costs.]

[And that's how Hanna unknowingly made a business partner out of a criminal. Maybe that'll give him 'I won't steal your pokemon' amnesty.]

Slap on some fur effects in photoshop or something and it should be fine. I mean, if you've walked through the greeting card section lately some of that shit is made in basic MS paint. It's sad.

[Though wait a minute...] Is it a Skiddo? I heard those things can jump over ledges. [Where did you get it Jack, he wants one.]

I do not pay any attention to greeting cards. I'm a multi-trillionaire, my assistants have assistants to do that.

Yeah, a skiddo. I guess? I haven't tried out the ledges, gravitational anomalies aren't usually happy fun things. But when she grows up, she'll be big enough to ride, so that's awesome.

That must be nice. [He can't even fit his head through the only window in his apartment. Or reach if for that matter. He's trying not to keep his expression as the flat irritation that he's kind of feeling right now. He's all smiles, promise.]

And yeah, yeah...Where did you get it? I figure it'd be nice to not be forced to walk around every ledge I see. [He's climbed over quite a few fences in his day, so the fact that he can't do it to these? Well. It kind of pisses him off.]

It was. And don't give me that look, I know that look, I get it here all the time where nobody's heard of me. I earned everything I had the hard way, hand over fist from nothing. Started out just like this, a couple of ideas and some opportunity. Something to think about. Great things, humble beginnings...

Oh, my...Mafuyu got her for me. [What the hell does he even classify Mafuyu as at this point?] I forget where she came from originally, somebody else, I think. Honestly, she's probably the best of my team.

[He's caught and he knows it, but whether or not that's just bullshit he's made up to make people like him more, it does work a little. People deserved nice things. It's just, when you say that you've got assistants for your assistants it doesn't make you feel any sympathy for the person, really. Multi-trilliondaire. Jesus christ is that a lot of fucking zeros.]

Okay, okay. I won't do it any more. Or I'll try not to. I figure if you came from the dirt too, you'd at least be sympathetic. You can't tell me you didn't get a little jealous and bitter when you were in my shoes. I mean, you named your dog Doom Boner, you're no mother Teresa.

[But, huh. He has no idea who Mafuyu is, but maybe if he sees her, he'll ask.] Huh...I guess I'll just have to look then. I've just got the two so far...Amelia is the best though, so hopefully I can get some more.

Of course I did! Just be bitter and jealous at the people who deserve it. Not the guy who just lost his fortune and is trying to build it back up, and bring you along.

You hope you can get more? ...they're literally everywhere. You throw balls at wild ones, that's it. The entire point of existence on this world is 'get more Pokemon'.

Hey, since you work for me now, you're an official Hyperion employee! You want a Handsome Cat? I'm swimming in'em!

[By which he means a Meowth. Trained by him. And sporting a Hyperion yellow collar with a round gold nametag bearing only an 'H'. He's given them out to a couple others, it's both a gift to foster loyalty and a way to make sure his people have a constant reminder of him.]

You're a hard guy to shop for, you know that? I only got a couple minutes notice, and livin' high and mighty up there, I dunno what else you can possibly wish for...

[But "Happy birthday!" isn't enough. She never does anything special for her own birthday, but Jack makes his sound like such a big deal. If it's important to him, she'll think of something good, but what can she give him that he doesn't already have? All she does is catch and train Pokemon, so maybe this will be okay.]

...I got it! I think you're old enough to handle this now: open access to my boxed Pokemon! I know I said before I wouldn't let you handle any of 'em without a badge, especially the higher leveled ones, but I'm sure you're capable. You know the Skiddo already, but word of warning, not all of them are like that. Eli bites, so does Bell. Anko too, but she's with me right now.

[They're over audio, but that gets a genuine smile anyway. For all his demands and expectations and teasing, Jack knows damn well what Mafuyu's abilities to get him a gift are. But look at that.]

You know something, sweetheart? That's a damn nice present. Thoughtful. From the heart.

You're a real good kid.

You have a very valid point. [Though he's pretty sure that as a writer for shitty greeting cards, it's not going to be millions of dollars.] I apologize.

[And while it is true that you can just wildly throw your balls around, catching animals and forcing them to fight each other in some how legal animal fighting rings, he just doesn't want all of them, he wants to build a fun little team.] Well, yeah. But I don't want just any, you gotta be choosy. What if it's gonna be mean to Amelia or Steven fights with them? It's like building a small little family. A bad ass family that kicks ass but also knows how to kick back and cuddle on shitty days.

[Or at least that's his goal. Though, he's wondering now if this is a good idea...who knows. He'll just have to see.] Okay, boss. Hanna Cross at your service, though...you never told me your name.

And...why is it called a handsome cat? [He wants one probably, but...why?]

[She wishes she could see that. She wishes he could see her face, because it practically glows with praise.]

Heh~ Nah, it's 'bout the only thing I can give you anyways. I'm glad you like it though! I'm sure everyone'll come to like you too. It's been kinda slow for me, but looking at Doom Boner, can't say you won't make it work.

What else am I supposed to say if that's all you're giving me?

[She's not backtracking or apologizing at all here. She may have finally gotten all of this pertaining to her out in the open back home, but it's still a very sore subject. And Athena doesn't exactly do well when those subjects are prodded again.]

But that's the problem - you asked her to do something she can't do. With a life like that, with the life she lived up until she joined up with you, you can't just "scale it back". You either keep pushing forward with everything you've got, or else you let whatever it is you're fighting against eat you alive.

It takes more than a couple of years to settle into an even slightly different change in how you live. Living with someone else? Sharing things you never thought you'd let yourself share with someone else? That's a pretty damn big change.

Happy Birthday!

Me? I'm Handsome Jack. Hero of Pandora, Savior of Elpis, President of Hyperion, Slayer of Vault Monsters...basically the coolest guy you'll ever meet!

And that's why they're called Handsome Cats.

They're not exactly badass, but you level'em up and they poop money every day.

[Oh, this kid has it right. That's a Pokemon catching philosophy after Jack's own heart. Hell, he's literally paying trainers to catch him Pokemon, the specification for which is simply 'badass'.]

[Hanna knows a guy he thinks is cooler, but that's all person opinion anyways. He won't tell his new boss that.] Okay Jack, got it.

[Not that it'd crush his masculinity to call him Handsome, guy has...a nice face, but it just seemed weird. Like calling Lust, lust. But he figured if he had a problem leaving it out, he'd just have to tack it back on there.]

Got it. And hat's pretty handy...am I allowed to give it a name when I get it? Or is it forever a Handsome Cat?

That's it?

Don't I get something a little more...personal?

[This man's entitlement knows no bounds.]

Nah, call it whatever you want. I ran out of names real quick. I just call'em collectively Handsome Cats 'cause I got like a dozen of'em.

So I assume since you're pretty new, you're on the road headed to Goldenrod?

Not...what is this you're even doing? Trying to make me feel shitty for wanting to settle down with my now-dead girlfriend? For wanting her to have not died? Super nice, Athena, way to brighten a guy's birthday.

I don't know why I even tried talking to you.

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How the hell did this happen and what is Hanna doing with his life?

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Welcome to threading with Handsome Jack, I am SO SORRY...

I am canon blind and I think it's even funnier that way.

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Omg I am SO SORRY....

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