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[Is that a ridiculously fat little Houndour in a gold party hat? Yes. Yes it is. Doom Boner looks thrilled. He's sitting in a plush looking yellow chair with a rocket ship chew toy between his paws. As usual, Jack himself isn't in the shot.]

How's everybody doing today? Handsome Jack here!

I sure hope everybody's doing great. Why? Because according to a little alert on my ECHOgear here, today's a very important day. In fact, it's the anniversary of one of the greatest things to ever happen. And you all get to be a part of it.

It's my birthday!

[And he really does sound pleased about this. Why wouldn't he be? Usually, on his birthday, he's lavished with attention and expensive gifts and all the pomp and adoration he deserves. Why should now be any different?]

I like classy booze, fine cigars, hot chicks in hats...all the good stuff.

And before anyone asks, no, vanilla is not an acceptable cake flavor.

It's vanilla.

Vanilla sucks.

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Sweet...If it's a cat I'll have to think of a good one. It's just unfortunate that I have to think of all these names off the top of my head! Like, Amelia Earhart was easy, but they're just going to get harder and harder as I go on.

[He isn't sure where goldenrod is, but that's okay. He'll figure it out.] I think so? I'm in Cherrygrove right now.

If I wanted to guilt-trip you, I'd be rubbing it in your face that she's dead. But I'm not. Like I said, I had some level of respect for Nisha when we were working together, at least in the professional sense.

[of course she lost a lot of respect for her by the end, especially when Nisha had the gall to laugh when she heard about what caused her fallout with Atlas....]

I'm just trying to make you understand why she didn't agree to what you were asking her to do, since you don't seem to get it.

What, you think I don't get it? We were together for years, Athena. I wanted to marry her. I'm pretty sure I knew her a little bit better than you did.

But guess what? That's part of being together. You make compromises. You do things you maybe don't want to, for the other person. Like how I'd visit her on that miserable hellhole, even though I hated going down there. Like how I never made it an ultimatum, even though I couldn't stand the fact that she lived and breathed near-death experiences when she didn't have to! You make that commitment to someone, you don't get everything you want anymore. You don't get to treat your life like it doesn't matter, because it does matter to somebody!

[But she'd stayed down there, and she'd gotten herself killed because of it. If she'd just listened to him...]

Rather not talk about crap right now.

[Poop in any form isn't on his agenda.]

Why do you hate vanilla so much?

I dunno, it's just...bland. Boring. No substance. It's barely even a dessert. It's a garnish, not the center piece.

[It probably has something to do with decades of pushing through the finishing line of projects via giant coffees half full of sugar to stay up all night. His tolerance for sweet is through the roof.]

Now Truxican chocolate? Talk about decadent. It's like a cherub wept joy tears on your tongue.

Yeah?

[He had no idea what Truxican chocolate was but it sounded interesting. Snake was more into cigars and smoking though. Sorry, buddy.]

Ever had a good Cuban cigar? The taste is rich and rough but so good.

Yeah! I can't even describe it, it's just friggin' amazing. They use these rare spices from some dangerous planet nobody lives on.

Don't know Cuban, but I love a good cigar! And a good scotch. Winning combo, right there.

[Now, you're talking his language! Cigar buddies? Just don't tell, Kaz. He isn't fond of Snake smoking.]

I've got this e-cigar but it isn't as good as the real thing. Nothing can compare. [Sorry R+D team.]

Scotch, huh? What about Bourbon?

...E-cigar? Oh god, that one of those things where it simulates smoking tobacco but you're just sucking air? Nah, that's bullshit. There's a decent place here in Goldenrod, got the real thing.

Scotch, bourbon, gin... I used to date a bartender, cultivated an appreciation for the good stuff.

Heh, starting to get thirsty!

[Holy crap, you're joking, right? Now, Snake is more than just interested.]

Thought this place was for kids. No weapons policy. [So, they sold alcohol and real cigars? Goldenrod? He'd have to go there.]

Had no idea this place did such stuff. Don't suppose you'd share a drink with me at this Goldenrod and show me the good cigars?

They don't let us have weapons, but they didn't take away all the fun!

I mean, you're not about to find a climate controlled humidor anywhere, but there's bars and you can get a box of cigars. If you're a grown up.

Yeah, sure, you're a friend of a friend!

[Wait.]

You've spoken to Kaz?

[Since how could Jack know who Snake's friends were? They had to have spoken to one another, right? The grumpy guy with the beret was hard to miss, especially since he said he monitored communications.]

Edited 2016-07-24 21:48 (UTC)

Oh, um... Wait, I got it!

[She puts the screen down for a moment, there's some shuffling noises. After a minute, she returns with pom-poms, along with Snubbul and Murkrow, who also have mini-pompoms.]

Ready? O-K!

[And so, all three began dancing and shaking their pom-poms]

It's your birthday, don't be late!
Make sure to eat lots of cake!
With every year you get older,
That's so much more you get bolder!
Jack, Jack, he's number one!
Make sure your birthday's lots of fun!
GOOOO HANDSOME JACK!

Yeah! I like that guy. Shares my views on a bunch of the stuff around here. He's fun to talk to.

Didn't know you guys had spoken to each other before.

[How could they have not? Jack seemed to be some sort of businessman back home. Diamonds, gold. This guy loved money.]

He's a good guy. Doesn't agree with me smoking real cigars though.

Now that is more like it!

[Jack laughs. Is it ridiculous? Sure! But so what? He's getting a personal song and dance routine from spooky little mini-Moxxi. There's just something about the girl that reminds him of the Vault Hunter.]

That was great, kid, thanks!

Yeah, a couple of times. We got to talking Pokemon, we've both got Houndours. I gave him some tips on getting that monster of his under control.

Ha, yeah...I gotta kid I look after, she doesn't like me smoking at all.

[She giggles, doing a twirl.]

It's been so long since I've done any Fearleading! I'm so glad I got to do it for a friend!

[If him mentioning wanting to marry Nisha was an attempt to garner any sympathy from Athena, it didn't work. What it does do is make her hand twitch, itching to reach up for the ring still hanging from a chain around her neck - once again uncovered - and her stomach turn in disgust. Because this whole situation is incredibly familiar, and it disgusts her that she's finding something familiar in this conversation. The only reason she's not outright sick over this thought is, at the very least, she's not on Jack's side in this situation.]

You can expect people to change on many things, but that? When something like that is beaten into you, sometimes no amount of pleading from a significant other can change that. You say you were willing to compromise, but you needed to have been willing to accept that maybe, this was one thing she couldn't change on, as much as it pissed you off.

Maybe she did want to change. I didn't see her after the Elpis mission, so I don't know. But sometimes, no matter what you want to do, your own head is the thing that's stopping you. And that's not exactly something you can fight.

[It isn't like Jack can argue. Not really. Athena's making sense, and it's nothing he and Nisha hadn't had out before.]

[But he doesn't want to hear it.]

Yeah, well, doesn't matter now anyway, does it?

... You're back from the dead thanks to whatever the hell is going on on this planet. You really think the same can't happen with Nisha?

[... Ugh, did she just give Jack hope? This whole conversation really is messing with her. Gross.]

I didn't die, sweetheart. Just came real close.

[He knows damn well he did, but he's keeping up appearances.]

I mean, I know they can do it. But knowing my luck with loved ones... it ain't happening.

[He can look back over a lifetime of nothing but losing the people he gave any kind of a crap about. One way or another.]

[Sure. Keep telling yourself that, Jack. It's not going to change the truth.]

Has anyone figured out how they do it yet?

[Yeah she's not going the MY LUCK IS HORRIBLE route, because like hell is she going to indulge Jack in a pity party.]

_{[Vanilla is a word that Wrath has only heard in connection to one thing: pudding cups.]

[And being the open-minded kid that he is, Jack's judgmental statement has Wrath frowning at the screen.]}

What's wrong with vanilla?

No idea.

As far as I know, the tech's still in its infancy. All those rumors about Hyperion having machines to do it are just rumors. Not that we aren't trying. But it's...it's pretty damn impossible.

You ever seen a Lab Rat? That's the best anybody's ever done.

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It's totally okay xD I love being canon blind. It just means we're both in for a ride xD

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