victory_road | Video Post

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Video Post

[Is that a ridiculously fat little Houndour in a gold party hat? Yes. Yes it is. Doom Boner looks thrilled. He's sitting in a plush looking yellow chair with a rocket ship chew toy between his paws. As usual, Jack himself isn't in the shot.]

How's everybody doing today? Handsome Jack here!

I sure hope everybody's doing great. Why? Because according to a little alert on my ECHOgear here, today's a very important day. In fact, it's the anniversary of one of the greatest things to ever happen. And you all get to be a part of it.

It's my birthday!

[And he really does sound pleased about this. Why wouldn't he be? Usually, on his birthday, he's lavished with attention and expensive gifts and all the pomp and adoration he deserves. Why should now be any different?]

I like classy booze, fine cigars, hot chicks in hats...all the good stuff.

And before anyone asks, no, vanilla is not an acceptable cake flavor.

It's vanilla.

Vanilla sucks.

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Now that is more like it!

[Jack laughs. Is it ridiculous? Sure! But so what? He's getting a personal song and dance routine from spooky little mini-Moxxi. There's just something about the girl that reminds him of the Vault Hunter.]

That was great, kid, thanks!

[She giggles, doing a twirl.]

It's been so long since I've done any Fearleading! I'm so glad I got to do it for a friend!

You know, I gotta say...your dedication to your whole....thing there? It's impressive.

You ever done any spokeswomanning? It's just having the whole public persona thing usually goes with that, that's why I'm asking.

Well, I've considered myself the official monster ambassador while I'm here! Does that count?

Yeah, that'd count.

You really think anyone actually cares, though?

Sure they do! There are other monsters here, and whenever I tell people I'm a vampire, I get sooo many questions!

Yeah, but...come on.

You're a cute chick that bounces around a lot. People'll make any excuse to talk to a cute chick that bounces around.

I mean, not me. With you. You are...waaayyy too young for me. That'd be creepy.

But you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, really? How old are you? I've been wanting to meet someone my age! I turned sixteen hundred and one this year!

[That is, indeed, 1,601 years.]

Alright, lemme rephrase that. You look and act way too young for me.

[He's honestly sure if she's messing with him or not, but at this point he doesn't care. 1,600 year old teenager, sure, he's encountered weirder things.]

Oooh. Is this a normie thing?

It's a normal thing.

I'm not interested in women who look and act younger than actual kids I could have fathered. That's creepy. Pretty sure it would make my junk retract.

I mean, I get it. Everybody who's into guys wants to be with Handsome Jack, that's just...that's just normal. But I think you're cute the same way you think my fat puppy is cute.

Awwww, that's so sweet! I love puppies! You always say such nice things!

[pidgeys aren't the only things that go over her head.]

Of course I do, I'm a nice guy!

No matter what the haters say.

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