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[Is that a ridiculously fat little Houndour in a gold party hat? Yes. Yes it is. Doom Boner looks thrilled. He's sitting in a plush looking yellow chair with a rocket ship chew toy between his paws. As usual, Jack himself isn't in the shot.]

How's everybody doing today? Handsome Jack here!

I sure hope everybody's doing great. Why? Because according to a little alert on my ECHOgear here, today's a very important day. In fact, it's the anniversary of one of the greatest things to ever happen. And you all get to be a part of it.

It's my birthday!

[And he really does sound pleased about this. Why wouldn't he be? Usually, on his birthday, he's lavished with attention and expensive gifts and all the pomp and adoration he deserves. Why should now be any different?]

I like classy booze, fine cigars, hot chicks in hats...all the good stuff.

And before anyone asks, no, vanilla is not an acceptable cake flavor.

It's vanilla.

Vanilla sucks.

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Yeah, he doesn't like bein' alone. And apparently health code standards don't exist here, nobody gives a crap about Pokemon in restaurants. Figured it wouldn't be a problem.

[And Jack's not stupid. Having everybody associate him with the lolling, wiggling ball of puppy fat currently bouncing at his date's feet is a very good thing. How can Fat Puppy Guy be a bad guy?]

[And getting a good look at said date...wow. Way, way better in person. And she'd been pretty impressive over the ECHOchat or whatever they called it here.]

So...it occurs to me I never got your name. You already know I'm Jack, the Handsome one.

... one of the greatest things to ever happen, huh?

[SOMEONE'S enjoying themselves, apparently. Literally. This guy, man.]

What did vanilla ever do to you?

Damn straight, kiddo!

For the...look, it's the cucumber of desserts. Why even bother?

[Okay, that gets a chuckle.]

Alright, fair enough. What are your thoughts on marble cake, then?

Well, it's not the insult that vanilla is, so there's that...

I mean, you give somebody vanilla cake, you might as well say 'I barely care at all'.

Right, but what I meant was: is it better because there's chocolate in it, or worse because someone put vanilla in the chocolate?

[These are important questions. Important... cake questions.]

Better. Automatically better. Anything with chocolate's gonna be better than plain vanilla. That's just common sense, babe.

I mean, yeah, there's a lot even better things to put in with chocolate. In fact almost anything is better. Why even put'em together like that?

You know what? No, never mind. Screw marble cake, too.

Interesting. So what kinds of cake do you like?

Rich and decadent. With so much pure chocolate you get a high off of it. And ingredients that have to be imported over literal galaxies. I like cakes that are gonna win reality tv show cake contests hosted by angry asshole chefs. My last birthday cake had edible gold frosting.

Oh, and marshmallow.

Marshmallow's friggin' awesome.

[... Blake would like to take back everything she has ever said about a non-Weiss'-dad rich person on Remnant because holy shit space rich people tho???]

I guess vanilla would pale a little by comparison to space chocolate.

Thank you! Someone finally gets it! I'm surrounded by deviant vanilla defenders, it's...it's ridiculous.

[Sometimes he swears he's the only sane person here.]

Obviously my options are limited here, but...this planet's gotta have some crazy awesome fruits or spices or something. I dunno. A Pokemon that cries candy tears...

Aw man, now I want candied Pokemon tears on my cake.

I guess allergies don’t exist here, huh?

[After crouching down to give the fat little roll of delight some attention, she pushes herself up again and offers her hand.]

Just call me Dee.

You adopted her?

[Because that's what it sounds like. Snake liked kids but never really had time to get into the whole family business. Too dangerous with his kind of work.]

You're the loving type of guy, huh? Thought money would be your greatest love. [Yeah. He sort of can guess the type of guy you are, Jack.]

This back on your own world, right?

I've tried every flavor in the vending machine! Vanilla's just one of them.

Not like...legally. I...I dunno how that works here. And that'd be...weird. Yeah. Weird. For both of us. Cause no, no, this is here. We both got taken at the same time, met the first day we got stuck here. Just one of those things, a couple of people who kind of need each other find each other at just the right time.

Hey, I love all kinds of stuff! Money included. But also kids.

[Snake didn't really want to delve into Jack's personal life. Kids weren't really his forte either so he decided to change the subject.]

Yeah. Money is useful where you need it most. [As in building secret military bases? Hell yes.]

Still haven't got used to these Poke dollars though.

Money's the friggin' best! Whoever said 'money can't buy happiness' is an idiot. Money buys stuff! And what does stuff bring? Happiness!

The exchange rate's gotta be shit.

Among the dozens of other things that just don't exist here.

[Jack takes the offered hand, giving it a firm squeeze. She seems like a handshake kinda gal, not a hand kissing type.]

I'd say the pleasure's all mine, but...I am pretty awesome to hang out with. Shall we?

[He will offer his arm, though. Hey, he's a gentleman!]

[She’ll happily take both hand shaking and the offered arm, grinning the whole while.]

I take it that means I’m in for an amazing time. I can’t wait.

As amazing as I can do, all things considered. Kinda got some inherent limitations, here on...whatever this planet's called.

[Does it even have a name? Hey, maybe he should name it. Planet Hyperion has a kinda ring to it.]

[But there's way more important things to think about right now. Like the gorgeous woman currently on his arm. This? This feels right. This is normal.]

Can't exactly literally whisk you off to the stars, which sucks, 'cause that makes for a hell of a first date. But I can promise you killer company!

Okay, see, that's a whole 'nother problem right there. Food out of a vending machine is barely food. It's a sad imitation of what food should be.

Why is there no school here, where you can learn important stuff like this? Even Pandora's got schools.

... I think it tastes fine!

And school is for humans.

Clearly ya do! Not gonna argue that point. I'm just saying...kid, there's a lot of options in the world. Don't limit yourself. Don't settle. Even when it comes to snacks.

School's for every human-child-shaped thing with a brain that can learn. Which this planet's full of. Even bandits send their kids to school. I mean, it's probably bandit school, so I bet they learn like...Face Carving For Beginners and stuff, but still.

I never settle, I try everything.

And, I already know how to carve faces.

I am very talented.

Clearly.

Aren't you a little young to be cutting peoples' faces off? I mean you're what...ten?

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